Student in wheelchair expelled for using PEV in designated zone during peak hours

Jul 04, 2023

The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.

Following the University’s restrictions on Personal Electric Vehicle (PEV) use, Ina Cessible ’24 was expelled for breaking the new rules on “multiple occasions” and showing “feigned remorse” for her actions, as noted by Princeton Public Safety.

Cessible, who uses an electric wheelchair, lives in one of the University’s completely inaccessible dorm buildings due to her ill-suited sorting into Rockefeller College and unfortunate room draw time. After bringing attention to her issue, housing services provided Cessible with a chain lock for her wheelchair, so that it wouldn’t be stolen from the bike racks outside her dorm overnight, a strategy with a 100 percent success rate as evidenced by hundreds of residential college listserv emails.

Cessible and her electric wheelchair were first stopped outside McCosh Hall. Officers recorded her riding at top speeds of 12 mph, faster than the allowed 10 mph described in the message emailed to all undergraduate students on Aug. 18.

The PSafe officer who caught up to Cessible noted that she was “uncooperative” and “refused to step out of the vehicle.”

Cessible explained that the University restriction states that the policy does not apply to PEV use intended to “reasonably accommodate a disability.”

The officer told Cessible it was “above their pay grade” to deem what was considered reasonable. They then proceeded to mount their SUV and head down Washington Road. Sources on Washington Road claim to have seen the officer approaching 60 mph as they headed toward their PEV stakeout location in front of Jadwin Gym.

Before leaving, the officer put a car boot on her wheelchair. Students report seeing Cessible later that day “zooming down Washington Road,” having broken the boot off her chair.

A TigerAlert was sent out to all undergraduates, warning of the danger posed by Cessible’s illicit use of her PEV, ignoring the restrictions posed by the designated zones and peak hours.

After being stopped multiple times following her first infraction, the University expelled Cessible and blocked off all the ramps in front of campus buildings to discourage other students from PEV use. In addition, the University forced the AccessAbility center to be moved up to the third floor of Frist Campus Center, with a ropes course built in front of the only (wheelchair inaccessible) entrance.

Spencer Bauman is head Humor editor at the Daily Princetonian and a junior in the Department of Chemical and Biological Engineering.

HUMOR: “I mean I’ll be more employable than … what do you even call them? Ecologyists? Evolutionarists? Geoscientists? Those all sound like made up jobs, I mean, I stand around them all day, and I’ve never once heard any of them talk about anything that seemed important. Just ‘conservation’ this and ‘natural disasters’ that,” Arnold the Allosaurus said.

HUMOR: “I mean I’ll be more employable than … what do you even call them? Ecologyists? Evolutionarists? Geoscientists? Those all sound like made up jobs, I mean, I stand around them all day, and I’ve never once heard any of them talk about anything that seemed important. Just ‘conservation’ this and ‘natural disasters’ that,” Arnold the Allosaurus said.

HUMOR: While the salutatorian address is traditionally given in Latin, the defictorian delivers a speech in pig latin. Lachey first gained proficiency in this language in third grade, and has been practicing his pig latin throughout his time at Princeton, to the chagrin of his professors.

HUMOR: While the salutatorian address is traditionally given in Latin, the defictorian delivers a speech in pig latin. Lachey first gained proficiency in this language in third grade, and has been practicing his pig latin throughout his time at Princeton, to the chagrin of his professors.

HUMOR: “I'm just trying to keep up with my friends who get internships through their family connections,” Jobs said. “I know some people might think it's a waste of time, but I've got a growth mindset, and I'm not going to stop until I get that offer.”

HUMOR: “I'm just trying to keep up with my friends who get internships through their family connections,” Jobs said. “I know some people might think it's a waste of time, but I've got a growth mindset, and I'm not going to stop until I get that offer.”